Love is an extraordinary energy: it cannot be contained or defined, but it can be tasted, felt, and recognized. Exquisite and ecstatic, it leaves no doubt about its presence. And when we love, no one can dissuade us. Love gives us wings, as they say, and makes even the impossible possible. It is with this delightful energy that we first connect when we embark on the human adventure called a couple. It is both our deepest nature and our reason for being. So why so many disappointed hopes, so many missteps, and why does love so often take on the appearance of a battlefield?
Obsession and Repression
Our sexuality, like every other aspect of our lives, is shaped by our past—or rather, by everything that hasn’t truly been “resolved.” These unfinished stories haunt us in the form of negative traits, manifesting as rigid attitudes where the life force should flow with grace and fluidity. These traits fall on a spectrum ranging from obsession to repression: in both cases, vital energy is blocked, either by excess or by lack. Here are two examples.
“Harry spends his life chasing women. On tour for long months, this musician never lacks opportunities, especially when the band stops in a city. When he gives up touring to move in with his partner, he struggles not to imagine his next conquest. Every time he goes out to a party, walks in a park, or eats at a restaurant, he scans for women who might suit him. With his extensive experience, he has become an expert at decoding the signals women send: he always knows when it’s time to make his move. Harry fits the classic profile of a sex addict: he needs his ‘fix,’ even though extramarital affairs seriously threaten his relationship. He claims he can’t help it. The greater the risk, the more it excites him.
Myrna, on the other hand, could be described as a ‘sexual anorexic.’ At 28, she has only had sex four times with two different lovers. In love with her partners, she was quickly dumped. Heartbroken, she vowed never to let herself be hurt again. She channels all her creativity into her advertising career. Yet, she is not happy. She senses that an emotional relationship matters more than her work. She wants to start a family.”
A Nameless Misery
Harry is cut off from his feelings, Myrna from her sexuality. One is obsessed with sex, the other represses it. Both are losing. If they could connect their sexuality with their hearts, their sex life would become a wonderful way to glorify the loving body. These are two examples of sexual appetite disorders, one through bingeing, the other through starvation, not to mention the sadly classic issues: frigidity, impotence, lack of desire or pleasure, premature ejaculation, sexual deviations like pedophilia, exhibitionism, incest, rape, and so many others. What about all those men and women who live their sexuality as a shame in the name of their spiritual life, or who, conversely, give free rein to their impulses in loveless debauchery? In all cases, it seems that the life force is interrupted or diverted, with all the misery that entails. This secret misery has a name: sexual misery, born of lack. Our nature is to love, and when sexuality no longer fulfills its primary function of expressing love, we become dissociated, divided in two.
What to Do?
Thankfully, this divide is far from inevitable: it is almost always possible to restore our life force. Whether long or quick, healing involves recognizing our wounds and letting go of attitudes that may have shielded us from pain for a time but also cut us off from ourselves. Defense mechanisms exist to protect us, but, like everything, they come at a cost. In this case, the price is very high: depriving ourselves of either love or sexuality. Guilt, fear, loss of sexual identity, lack of pleasure, or even violence are ways we pay for what is a birthright: the right to express love with our bodies… and with another’s.
In an intensive therapeutic approach like the Hoffman Process, individuals are invited to identify, one by one, all the traces that a lack of love has left in their lives, including in their intimate relationships. Behind devaluing or destructive messages, there are often many unspoken words and fears passed down through the family line. Sometimes, it’s a sexual assault that has scarred us, but we now know that it’s not the violence itself that is harmful—it’s the conclusions we draw about ourselves and our own dignity. During the Hoffman Process, facilitators support individuals in revising what may have become a mere semblance of a love life and in uncompromisingly rejecting behaviors that cause suffering, all with both extreme delicacy and great clarity. It is a beautiful work of reconciliation with oneself and one’s history.
In other individual or couples’ approaches, patients rediscover intimacy, first with their own bodies, dissociating it from any demand for sexual performance. They relearn sensuality and the right to pleasure before sharing it with a partner. Deep healing occurs when we open up where we had closed off and rediscover the joy of expressing our masculinity or femininity naturally. Love is not expressed solely through sexuality, but when this door can once again be freely opened, we realize that spiritual life and sexual life are simply two facets of the same reality.
