The Limits of Carrying Someone
People say "you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped" when exhausted, turning fatigue into principle. Though not entirely false, this diagnosis often masks the real issue: the helper's unacknowledged exhaustion has quietly become the problem itself.
Every diaspora circle has someone who learned the system first and spends years helping everyone else through it. We talk a great deal about that generosity. We talk far less about what it costs — or about the possibility that it has quietly become the problem. - Issakha D., Founder, Sunulife
People reach for the same sentence at the moment they run out of energy for someone they love. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. It arrives with enormous relief. It closes the file. It converts exhaustion into principle, which is considerably more comfortable than admitting you are simply tired. I want to take it seriously, because it isn't wrong. Then I want to explain why, in most of the cases I've watched up close, it's the wrong diagnosis of a real symptom.
There is a sentence people reach for when they have finally run out of energy for someone they love. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
It arrives with enormous relief. It closes the file. It converts exhaustion into principle, which is a great deal more comfortable than admitting you are simply tired.
I want to take that sentence seriously, because it is not entirely wrong. And then I want to explain why, in most of the cases I have watched up close, it is the wrong diagnosis of the right symptom.
When we say “you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped,” are we protecting our boundaries or abandoning our people under the guise of principle—and what would genuine, sustainable care look like in an Ubuntu framework?